Buddy, can you spare a "Change"?

Seems my own personal snake in the grass decided it was time to bite me, serving as a reminder of my flaws.

It's the second time in the last week where I've encountered an issue I need to confront within myself. Allow me to qualify.

Keep in mind, there are times when the things I write are not flattering commentary about myself. I'm not here to impress people. I'm here to make my life have value when it's all said and done. In other words, I'm a human who is brimming not only with quirks and flaws, but also possess a redeeming plethora of good qualities too. With that said, let's dive into the muck.

Okay, so there I was, writing a blog entry using my trusty ol' PC. An email appears in my in-box. Drat, it's from a local dating site I'd registered with eons ago. Noise, nothing but in-box noise I tells ya! Since I'm in a take charge and change things type of mood, I decide it's time to put an end to this particular source of clutter in my in-box.

So off I went to the site, hell bent on deleting my account. I logged in to find the necessary page that will allow me to play Terminator – minus the “I'll be back” phrase. Just as I'm about to hammer down the “delete profile” button, an intriguing photo of a woman in the “recent activity” list catches my eye. Rrrrrt, the finger comes to a screeching halt. Yeah, yeah, I know. I can already hear the ladies saying, “You guys are all the same, you shouldn't use your eyes to decide whether or not to look at a woman's dating site profile.” Well, I'm a guy so we all know what I did. Rather than click delete, I clicked browse. Little did I realize it would mean I must confront the need to start a trek down a very painful road to further enlightenment.

Hmm, she definitely looks attractive and has the ethnic origin I strongly prefer (as if anyone couldn't guess, I prefer women of Asian descent). But what about her age? Time to browse further. Okay, so she's my age. Alright then, how about her background and interests in regard to the type of partner she's after? Certainly that has to be the final nail in my coffin lid ay? Surprisingly, no evident problems there.

Now one might say, “Fantastic, you've found a local girl who you'd like to get to know. You sent her message right?” Ah, um, well, er, ya see... no.

So some of you might say, “If you don't even try, you can't move forward. You've dated in the past so why not now? What da #($* is wrong with you?” I could make more excuses like saying the last time I dated I had time to establish a connection in a paced manner, easing the social stresses involved. Ah, but she made the first move so I guess I can't use that excuse. Rats, I'm cornered and must cop to the truth.

I realize that even when things look like a reasonable match from my side, I falter. Just take a look at my list of “but this won't work because...” checklist items I ran through beforehand. When all is said and done, what was my justification, er excuse, for not messaging her? My dumpy vehicle.

Stripping away one layer of obfuscation, I won't argue that driving a crappy vehicle clearly communicates I have some quirkiness within me. Whether or not that particular issue is a serious problem in itself is debatable. But very few people drive non-reliable vehicles out of choice. Still, it may or may not be a nail in my coffin lid for getting to know someone. To some extent, it depends not only upon how the other person views life around them, but how I present myself. Ah but then there's the second issue besides finances. Deeply intertwined with my choice to drive a crummy vehicle exists another issue revolving around self-image. The concept of self-esteem surfaces and now requires attention on my part. Sigh.

While the first issue of financial stability does raise its ugly head in my life at times, it's not the key issue here. And to my credit, I have been actively taking steps to stabilize my financial “state of being”. Clearly, the most dangerous culprit is the the issue of self-image, self-value, or self-esteem. I can make excuses about where these issues source from, but in the end, I bear full responsibility.

It's odd how our problems rise up like a snake in the grass, waiting to bite us venomously as a reminder, “Hey pal, I'm still here. Your attempts at self-improvement hasn't eradicated me.” Looks like I have far more work to do this year than I anticipated.