Saturday, June 25, 2011

Bye Bye Birdie



As I step into the front yard to examine the 8 feet of new pathway I laid down last night, I notice something wrong. A number of the freshly poured concrete paving stones have been damaged.


What the heck? Looking closer, it seems as if the spacing closely matches that of a human stride so I rule out an animal such as a dog. Was I sleep walking last night? Nah, couldn't be.

I step back and look for more clues. Clearly, an intruder walked along the pathway so I inspect the area thoroughly. As I pass the flamingos, I notice two pairs of legs without their corresponding flamingos.



A meter or so further, I find more proof – a shoe print smaller than my own in a heap of compost.

You can see my footprint on the left that I used as a size reference, while the vandal's footprint on the right. Considering I'm the only person who's been in the yard since this particular mound of compost was shoveled in, it logically follows that the flamingo thief is the culprit who destroyed the pathway. Seems they decided the pathway was an easy way to navigate the yard. In through the front gate and out through the back.

I have an urge to make a sign for the yard.


"Days without a flamingo fatality on the job site: Zero."


Down to six in the flock. If this keeps up, soon there will be none.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

A Girl's Best Friend!

Sweet! It's lunch time at last! It's the second best time of the day right behind quittin' time as lunch time allows for an opportunity to mingle with the female wildlife at the ol' watering hole, er, cafeteria. Striding into the chow-hall, I twist and turn my thin physique as I work my way through the sea of bodies towards the microwave ovens. Feeling a bit like a salmon swimming upstream, I realize the only thing I truly share in common with those delicious fishies is that I'll eventually kick the bucket. As for finding a mate... well only the dice know that outcome and snake eyes seem to be my luck. “Hey, maybe today will be different” is what I tell myself.

As I round the corner to microwave alley, I notice an interesting looking girl idly waiting for her food to warm. She looks up briefly and makes eye contact with me. Instinctively, I tilt my head and hold eye contact. She senses danger as I see that look of fear in her eyes. Quickly, she reaches into her pocket and pulls out her Personal Defense System ™. No, I'm not talking about pepper spray or mace. I'm talking about the ubiquitous smartphone. In a flash, she buries her face in the screen as her expression says, "For God's sake, I have to find something to browse! Anything!" Her peripheral vision keeps a close watch to the side I'm on. While the watering hole has rules, wild animals are cautious none-the-less when around the opposite sex. As I pop my food in the oven, she swipes away at the screen, probably browsing for “101 Ways to Tell a Man Off With Style.”



Several minutes tick by as our food cooks. A number of other people pass by until one particular fella steps into the area, I see the girls eyes flit upwards. A look of relief appears on her face as she blatantly calls out to him in the “Hey, help me out here and just talk with me about anything!” way. Sigh! I've just experienced for the Nth+infinity time something the locals call the “Seattle Freeze”. Yes folks, it has a name. It's what some might call the cold shoulder. And it's a common occurrence here in the center of the “You ain't gonna date the likes of me!” universe.

Mind you, I understand that no one wants unwanted advances. But there's a big difference between unwanted advances and simply trying to see if there might be a possibility of coaxing a smile with benefits out of the opposite sex. And by benefits, I mean the, “Hey, you look interesting. Wanna get to know each other?” type of benny. But when a city has a name for the phenomenon such as the “Seattle Freeze”, it makes one question why it's even worth continuing to try. Human nature I guess. Still, those snake eyes turn up consistently. Not to mention all those annoying Personal Defense Systems ™. Sorry diamonds, looks like you've taken a backseat as a girl's best friend to the smartphone. And with that, I shall retire to bed alone as usual. Hah! At least there's a constant I can predict! :D

Monday, June 13, 2011

My Momma, the Gangsta!

Hah, when little old ladies approaching their nineties start having run ins with the cops, one wonders if the day of reckoning is at hand? Will cats and dogs to start living together? If I see Zuul in my refrigerator, I'm a thinking the end is near.

It all started out so simple. So there I was, working away in the yard as usual when I run out of landscaping fabric. Well now, this just ain't gonna do so I track a little more dirt into the house as I find the phone to call trusty brother Lyle. Good thing I don't have a GF, she'd be playing the role of Judge Roy Bean, the hanging judge after seeing all the stardust I'm tracking into the house. :D Back on topic.

Dale: “Hey brother, can you and Ma stop at Costco and see if they still have some landscaping fabric this late in the year?”

Lyle: “Sure, Mom and I will grab ya a roll. The Costco folks need their chance to say 'Hi' to mom to anyway.”

Back to work I go. No absence of weed-block is gonna slow this guy down. Out comes the pick and whack, whack, whack it goes as I attack the poor ol' sod. After accumulating up a rather large heap, up pulls the dynamic duo, brother Lyle and Ma. We all head over to the bench where Mom and Lyle sit down while I perch myself on the newly laid pathway.

Lyle: “We had a bit of trouble coming over. Remember when we were helping you haul dirt away last year? Remember the cop who pulled me over for the taillight being out? Guess what. He pulled us over again.”

Dale: “Same cop? No way!”

Lyle: “Yep. After we left Costco the sunlight was getting pretty bright. Mom was trying to shield her eyes from the sunshine and just as she's leaning forward to put her hand in front of her face, a cop car drove by.”

Dale: “Oh man, I can see where this is going.”

Lyle: “The cop did a quick U-turn. It's the type of quick U-turn where you realize he's coming after ya. Sure enough, flip, on goes the lights so we pull over.”

Dale: “What? Bonnie and Clyde didn't try to out run the coppers?”

Lyle: “Hah, we didn't have enough gas. And I'm not talking about the kind of surplus of gas we had from the beans Mom and I ate for lunch!”

Mom: “Beans... pewwww! We had to roll the windows down. I'm surprised the police officer didn't pass out when he approached the window.”

Dale: “From the beans?”

Lyle: “Heh heh heh, fortunately for him, no. When the cop peered in the window at the passenger side the expression on his face was hilarious. He realized he made a mistake in his assessment of the situaton. The only thing he said was that we hadn't turned our turn signal on 100 feet before we turned. He told us to be careful and drive safely then he returned to his car and took off.”

Dale: “So why did he really pull you over?”

Lyle: “When we drove by, him he saw Mom trying to hide her face. Because she was all bundled up and was hiding her eyes, we think he assumed she was a gang member who was trying to hide from view.”

Dale: “A gang banger? Man, that takes it! Mom, you're such a trouble causer! ”

Mom: “Hey, you kids caused your share of trouble so now it's my turn.”



Silly momma bird! Gang bangin's for punks! :))

Sunday, June 12, 2011

The Element of Surprise

While weeding in the garden, I meandered about with my head down puling weeds. Oblivious of anything other than the task at hand, I scurried from weed to weed. Hard at work, it seems I needed a bit of a reminder about the element of surprise. While pulling a tenacious thistle, I looked up and this little character caught me totally off guard.



Growing near the back fence, I had no clue it was even there. As I frequently use analogies, today is no exception: one needs to step back and see what's truly important at times I think. :)

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Horror Films and Aging

I love watching movies! :D I couldn't sleep worth a darn last last night because of numerous muscles cramps. Why didn't someone tell me that there are some unexpected things that causes really bad cramps to happen when you get older? Sheesh! What a drag. But on to the point, I watched two films, "UP" and "Legion". Let's talk about Legion.

Legion

Legion is one of those films that totally torqued me off in a bad way. It had potential. The moment I saw the elderly woman doing a Spiderman impersonation up the wall and onto the ceiling, this one had my attention. The most awesome scene was the ice cream truck dude! When that freaky guy started growing the long arms and legs, it made me wanna jump out of bed and go "Yeah buddy! Now that's what horror is all about!"



Ah, but Legion bought the farm big time shortly after that. Mixing religion with a film is always tricky. And for me, it can be out-right infuriating unless it's handled with the utmost of care. This film was no exception to bring up my flash fury point. I'm not going to dive into that area as it would set off a few fires with other people in the process. Needless to say, the religion aspect wasn't handled well for me here. And what's worse, the ending was mediocre at best. Had Legion stuck to the over-the-top violence and special effects sans certain religious overtones, I would have liked it. But it did a nose dive in the end. Such potential. Mr. Good Humor really kicked it up a notch too! Sigh!